Swingers Advice

Lifestyle Must Read For SINGLE MALE SWINGERS

Some Thoughts: from Mark Brendon, author, Swinging- The Games Your Neighbours Play.

Welcome to SDC – and to the lifestyle.

And yes, you are genuinely welcome. In my experience, the world of swingers is companionable, friendly and responsible. Like most misunderstood, maligned and often persecuted sub-cultures, swingers are genuinely glad to greet new enthusiastic adherents to the cause.

This is not to say you will find it easy. There are far to many single males out there who believe that swinging offers an easier way of getting laid than the conventional practices of seduction and cheaper than paying a prostitute.

They are not only wrong – it will prove more expensive and arduous – but they will soon be found out and, even if they look like Brad Pitt, will find themselves excluded. Swingers are swingers because they love the company as well as the many sensual pleasures of the lifestyle. Most of us love the way in which it brings us closer to our partners.

We have made a moral decision. We prefer the regulated, polite, structured lifestyle in which partnerships are respected and in which lies are renounced to the illusions – and disillusionment – of the wine-bar or the night-club seduction in which, as a general rule, both parties hope for different things and end up dispirited and often hurt.

We like the anticipation, the memories and the companionship as much as the sensual pleasures entailed.

A swingers’ meet or party is like a special meal in a great restaurant. Just as a meal like that is a special occasion, unrelated to dinner at home in the kitchen, and the dressing – up and the formality are vital parts of the fun, so a swingers’ party is a beautiful fantasy made flesh. We return to ‘real’ life restored and reinvigorated by the experience.

Casual sex is like fast food – just appeasing a need without regard to animal welfare or your own. Sad, really.

So if you are merely predatory, I would advise you to look elsewhere. Swingers dislike all forms of pressure. Male members of the lifestyle frequently play for many hours and quite forget about orgasm until they are back at home with their partners. Others spend days or weeks amongst other swingers enjoying the company and the view, never have sex themselves and still count the time well spent.

Besides which, it is against the swingers’ code to take bread from the mouths of honest, industrious working-girls!

If, however, you share these views and feelings, if you too would like to be part of this world-wide subculture, there are plenty of wonderful experiences in store for you in the lifestyle, and SDC aims to help you.

My first advice to single males concerns your profiles on here. We can broadly assume that you like sex and you possess genitals. A profile declaring that you want the one picture demonstrating that you have the other is therefore of no interest whatever.

Simply ask yourself why a single women or couple would want you. Remember that a women could just as easily go out into the street if all that she wished was sex and that neither gender in the lifestyle is exactly denied playmates, so why you?

Well, the reason is no different from that for which they might want you as a guest or friend in the vanilla world. Are you interesting, amusing, well turned-out and well-mannered? Are you prepared to place others’ enjoyment ahead of your own needs and so to derive long-term benefits?

If this sounds very old-fashioned – OK, the lifestyle really is pretty old fashioned in some regards. It is about cherry-picking rebellion, respecting convention where convention makes sense and recognizing that libertarianism only really works within bounds.

If you should be contacted by a couple or a single female, again write back amusingly, at length with due consideration for what is in their profile. They know you like sex. Now why do they want to have sex – or devote time to considering having sex – with you? Text speaks turns stomachs. Cut-and-paste messages are insulting and indicate that a warm loaf of bread is probably more your mark than a living, breathing women.

There are plenty of ‘parties’ out there at which single males are invited to gangbang one, two or three women. Of course, there are swinging women who want to fulfill this fantasy, but in general they can do so with fellows in the lifestyle. If you are invited to pay for the privilege, you are merely engaged in very expensive – if amateur – prostitution. You pay, you have a drink, you perform, you get out. Hardly value compared to a one-on-one in a more conventional brothel – and you don’t even get a half-hearted massage into the bargain!

But you are also welcome at various clubs and country-house parties on the SDC – recommended list. In fact, most clubs allow limited numbers of single male at regular parties, often on the Friday night where Saturday is reserved for couples.

Some require that you be on a waiting-list for long time. Some ask for more details than the Passport Office on the application form. All expect you to pay more than couples for admission. So?

Just wait till you are attending those parties as a regular, perhaps with a full-time partner that you care about. Will you too not want to know that single males – who can be very useful and delightful additions – are not merely terriers looking for a women or a table-leg as the occasion arises? Will you not want to know that your hosts know where these people come from in case of any trouble?

So fill out the forms, wait and pay. The smaller the number of single males admitted, the better your chances to shine and make friends. Most swingers like to have occasional meets at home. You may not be invited to play tonight, but, once you have exchanged numbers or msm addresses, you are going to be high on the list when they invite a few friends round for an evening’s fun.

I have said that swingers hate pressure. So they do. You may meet a couple with whom you enjoy a pleasant conversation and flirtation. They may then move off to the playrooms and leave you behind. Go make some more friends. If they want you to join them, they will make it clear. If, half an hour later, you happen to be in the playroom where they are enjoying themselves, you stand an infinitely better chance of being invited to join them than if you suggest accompanying them in the first place.

So we’re back to the old-fashioned stuff. Be amusing. Pay attention to the nervous novices and wallflowers. Circulate. Do not batten onto single women. Never approach women because her partner has left the room and she seems approachable. Be as pleasant to him as to her. Do not follow favorites. They have their own agenda tonight and will summon you if they want your company. Have fun. Tell yourself that this is a party, and enjoy it as you would enjoy any other party where people are friendly. Help your hostess. Be valuable.

Greedy girl parties are another thing altogether. I have been to enjoyable ones but, in all honestly, they have been few. Consider very carefully if that is the sort of scene that you will enjoy in reality. Many men do not. They prefer individual attention, or at least to know that their faces have been acknowledged rather than merely their cocks. Even if you like this sort of scene, you are unlikely to shine or make enduring friends who are your passport into this world.

Of course, the ideal thing is that you find a partner. You can thus not only enter any party or be welcome in any home, but you have the added pleasure of sharing the evening’s fun and replaying it many times with her. When my first swing-partner left the scene and the area, I was lucky enough to be invited to many ‘couples only’ parties because by then I was trusted and well-known. I soon found myself refusing. It simply was not as much fun without a partner-in-crime.

Do not resort to a “ticket” – a women rented to accompany you, just to get you in. Hosts and hostesses are wise to this ruse. Lifestyle members will not play with you alone if you have arrived with someone else. If she is willing to play, she is going to get close to other girls. She will almost certainly reveal the truth to them. If it is discovered that you have used a ticket, your first venture into the lifestyle will be your last.

It is not as hard as you think to find a woman who is curious about the lifestyle. Many, many women today, particularly around the age of 40 when they have had experiences of broken relationships and when their children, if ant, are old enough not to need them as much or as continually as before, want adventure and sensual fun but do not want emotional baggage or the pressure of ‘ownership’.

Many – many more than men, in fact – despite the whole business of lies and fakery (including to oneself) which is one-night-stands or ‘relationships’ between people with nothing in common.

Many are eager to experiment with bisexuality, but do not want the inevitable complications and fallout of such encounters in vanilla life.

How do you meet such women? How broach the subject?

Try…er…the truth?

I don’t mean, ‘I’m horny and want to fuck as many people as possible. ‘I mean, ‘Look, I’ve tried the conventional way and I’ve always ended up hurting someone or being hurt. I’m loyal, and very much want one special, core relationship in my life, but I am not sure if I can be faithful. On the other hand, no relationship can survive if there lies, so I’d rather that you were part of my fantasies and I of yours, that we shared our adventures. There’s a club/party nearby. Shall we go along and have a look? At the very least it will be funny and should be a turn-on…’

And go along. Have a look. Stay by her side. Talk to couples – about safe sex, about what the lifestyle has done for them, about children’s shoes-sizes and school-runs if need be. We are normal, respectable, responsible people (with a few freaks thrown in, as in any grouping). It is recognition of this above all else which will give her the confidence to indulge her fantasies.

Oh and before you go to that first party, make sure that she understands that even the best parties – like the best restaurants – have ‘off’ nights. She should not judge the entire Lifestyle by that one experience. Give her my book or Philip Gould’s ‘The Lifestyle’ (the only two books so far written from a sympathetic, unsensationalist and knowledgeable point of view) to read so that she understands why so many responsible people in lifelong partnership chooses this way of life.

I have introduced many novices to the lifestyle and guided them through their first few parties. Some have decided that, for whatever reason, it is not for them. Some have plunged headlong, like ducks at last introduced to water. Some have taken their time, made friends at parties and chosen to play with them at subsequent meetings at home. It may be silly, but many women still like to be led in the dance. This does not alter the fact that they are dancing to the same music and want precisely the same thing as you.

Deception, coercion, pleading, threats – all are alien to the lifestyle and, furthermore, are counterproductive. So you’ve got her to a party or a meet and she hates it? Great. You’ve screwed up a friendship, given yourself a bad name in the swinging world and now have to start all over again with a new victim…

It is not impossible that you will meet a swing-partner amongst the single girls on here. I met Katie, my lover and swing-partner for two years, on SDC. The reason that most single girls are on here, however, is precisely that they do not want relationships. They are flooded with applications from men, and can summon one at the click of a finger – or, at least, a mouse.

Supposing, then, that you are fortunate enough to be one of those summoned, do not start out by declaring that you want a long-term relationship. This suggests either that you want a role fulfilled and do not care who fulfils it, or that you are emotionally unfitted to the lifestyle.

She wants a lover for the afternoon or evening. Be a lover for the afternoon or evening. If, and only if, you have a good laugh and wonderful sex, she might suggest a repeat performance or you might feel that you can invite her to join you at a party one night because by now you are friends.

See? Conventional again. Nothing easy or instant about it.

But once amuse a few couples, be a good and respectful guest at parties and leave untroubled those who do not want to be troubled and your name and reputation will spread fast.

Just remember. You are not here to get laid. You are here to join the lifestyle. We in the lifestyle get laid a lot. Those who seek to get laid will never join the lifestyle.

I have played at clubs, parties and private meets throughout Britain and beyond, both as one of a couple and, on occasion, as a single male. If I can help members – and so the lifestyle by recruiting contributory new members – I am delighted. My book, Swinging, The Games Your Neighbours Play, will, I think, give you all the information that you need, but members with particular questions unanswered there can contact me in person on SDC. I can not guarantee to be able to solve your problem, but (with Linda’s help) I’ll do my best…Mark Brendon